Redefining Healthy Love and Relationships
Working to Remove Codependent Ideals For Healthier Relationships
Hi, my name is KaDeWo and I’m addicted to love. Constantly I am faced with challenging old beliefs surrounding what people are supposed to do and not do in monogamous, romantic relationships.
Since 2015, I’ve been reading “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. Yes that is a long time to be reading the same book, even for me. What happens is I pick the book up, discover something about myself and/or my relationships and spend time on the exercises at the end of each chapter. Then I spend months digesting the new information and practice ways to change or reshape my thinking around my family, partner, coworkers, friends, the guy behind me who beeped his horn as soon as the traffic light turned green and pissed me off, etc. It has been affirming to learn that anyone can be codependent; there are several actions and mindsets that fall under the codependent category. I no longer want to operate in a dysfunctional way. In learning new ways to interact in intimate relationships new ways of loving have been introduced. For example, Saturday mornings consisted of waking up early to clean the house, yard and buy weekly groceries. My parents sat in the front seat as my brother and I rode in the back. Unbeknownst to me, as I observed my parents I was forming ideals about what romantic partnerships should be like; this has transferred to my adult life in the way that I have often invited significant others to the grocery store with me…only to be annoyed with the rate at which they want to rush through the store. I know realize that I don’t like going to the grocery store with people who do not have time to stroll down the isles. This is most people I know, lol. The purpose is twofold. It is best for me to sport a pair of earbuds with a half charged phone listening to a musical playlist, walking up and down each isle at my leisure, while working towards my 15,000 steps per day goal as well as acknowledging the seasonal items and new products. There is joy in this weekly experience and I don’t want anyone to ruin it by rushing me through it.
One of the greatest love lessons I have learned is in distancing. Distance is not to be confused with disassociating. Disassociating is something we all do, whether we are aware or not. For example, when you drive home from work and don’t recall the drive at all, that is a form of disassociating. Some believe we must disassociate to get through the endless daily tasks: working, showering, eating, listening, in pain, etc. However, I feel it is important to be present when we are happy, angry, hurt, in love. I have spent time in relationships disassociating and distancing, and have experienced the effects of each. Distancing has a more positive outcomes for me.
Creating distance between a loved one can be healthy for all, especially adults. This has not always been recognized as a healthy habit among my family. Negative remarks have been expressed and assumptions have formed due to my decision to stay in my lane. What distancing looks like for me is changing the subject or ending the call when a loved one starts complaining about the same situation they have been “dealing with” for the past 5 years. Instead of letting the person vent about it, as I would have in the past and spent the next hour having the exact same conversation had too many times to count, I move on with a simple “I hope you find what works for you”.
It is clear that person has NOT gotten fed up with the circumstances enough to do something different or seek new tools in really dealing with it. In distancing, I have removed myself from being put in the middle of drama that causes me stress. When I am practicing codependent habits I start to feel exhausted and there is less time to worry about my own stuff. This is the ultimate level of self love. Prioritizing your own stuff over helping people handle their stuff is a new way of expressing self love.
Mood: Orbit/Saturn — Nao
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