My Grandparents’ Marriage Was Indestructible
Marriage is not a wedding. It’s not sparkly rings and five-tiered cakes. It’s not a grand reception with pretty flowers and savory food. It certainly isn’t the photo album to help remember all the pristine details. In the traditional sense, marriage is a lifelong commitment to the future, beyond the spoken and forgotten vows.
Of the numerous things my grandparents taught me about relationships, I will share 3 takeaways that have stuck with me:
- When you say I do, you have no idea what you are committing to for a lifetime. I hear people say don’t fall in love with the potential of someone, but in a sense isn’t that what marriage is in a nutshell. Two strangers who know just enough to want to sign documents binding them together for the long haul, who are hoping they have found someone to love and be loved by for “eternity”…You don’t know if you lose your spouse in a natural disaster, if they will murder you for insurance money (1 out of 3 episodes in the TRUE CRIME TV genre) or if a freak accident will render one of you permanently disabled at an early age. These are just facts. You are taking one of the biggest gambles of your life, based on the potential of this person being the one to support you (financially, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, etc.) and help you navigate the most challenging and often unexpected difficult periods ahead.
- Infidelity only breaks a union, if you let it. That is an unpleasant choice, I believe most people don’t think they will have to make in the moment the I dos are declared. I have also learned that it is NOT the worse thing that can happen in a marriage. In fact, I have learned that the longer the marriage the more likely one, if not both spouses, cheated at some point for varied reasons.
I once heard a therapist state that the most selfish and hurtful thing a spouse can do is cheat and tell the partner out of guilt. At first, I immediately disagreed and judged her statement. How could she say such a thing? Even if that is what you think, don’t say that to out loud! Then I listened to her in-depth philosophy. It came down to the cheater holding on to their guilt versus admitting their betrayal to release their discomfort with their deceitful actions. She clarified that she did not recommend sharing this ugly truth with ones spouse if the goal was to remain married. As a couples therapist she witnessed the excruciating time it takes to rebuild trust for the cheater and the one cheated on, for small percentage of couples who were motivated to see it through. (As an individual who believes in transparency and honesty, I am not completely on board with this thinking, but I do understand it.)
My grandparents not only dealt with “entanglements”, but the consequences of them in the form of children — well before they reached 25 years of marriage. They had 5 children together, but raised 7 children together. They obviously believed in the commitment “til death do us part” and managed to find a way to press onward despite the damage caused. I found this out when I was a young adult and was stunned. The respect I had for my grandmother grew immensely as I realized her sacrifices to keep her family together. I wish either of them was around to talk about their marriage beliefs. *Inhale-Exhale* Which brings me to the third lesson their marriage taught me. - I am not sure I’m built for marriage, at least not in the traditional sense. First, I am a queer woman so it is quite possible that I will not marry a man. Second, committing to the unknown potential of another is scary. The unknown, for me, has always been scary. Thirdly, some of the things I have observed, listened to and learned about the authenticity of marriages has been mind-blowing and I want no parts of what some of my friends have survived. There is some shit I just won’t put up with, regardless of how deep my love runs for another! It is crystal clear that I can love a person from a distance, without ever speaking to them again. Yeah, I’ll cry (Dear Reader, you know I.will.sob. lol #LoveAddict) but I will move on and heal, with no regrets.
Final thought: I’m in awe and have much respect for those of you who dare to take a great leap of faith in such a permanent way. Bless you and your union!
Which lasting lessons have your learned about marriage?
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Play: Someone to Love — Jon B.
