What Learning About Alcoholism Systems Taught Me About Expressions of Anger
Play: Caught Out There — Kelis
In an undergrad Psychology course the final assignment was a research project on a topic discussed from any of the textbook chapters. I chose alcoholism. Til this day I cannot recall why, maybe it was the last topic available. Whatever the reason, after submitting my literature review and spending a few weeks reading through the material I was devastated and no longer wanted to pursue the topic. I emailed my instructor; we met and she explained that there were only 3 weeks left in the course, not enough time (in her opinion) for me to commence with a new research topic. She asked me why I was requesting a change; I explained that it was to hard emotionally without going into further detail. As a trained therapist she denied my request and encouraged me to do my best. I was beyond disappointed.
This one particular book, that I wish I could remember the title or at least the author of was destroying my ability to compartmentalize the dysfunction I grew up and still lived within. It broke down the characteristics of an alcoholic parent, as well as the possible personality categories the offspring naturally develop due to their maneuvering in an alcoholic system (aka the home). This was a blow to the chest that took my breath away; I was reading about my family and it was a painful revelation!
The biggest take away that was burned into the corners of my mind was labeled “bulldogging” behavior. Bulldogging is when a person literally yells or shouts into the personal space of another — in extreme cases in their face — as an expression of anger. I definitely was guilty of this behavior in my romantic relationships. It is ugly and as I read the description, recognizing myself, I was completely disgusted. Why would anyone want to be with a person who would speak to them in such a disrespectful manner?!
As I said, continuing with the research was uncomfortable and forced me to face my dysfunctional reality. No more disassociating; it was time to confront the suffocating truth.
That was over 10 years ago. Although I have stopped bulldogging my loved ones, still I struggle with appropriately expressing my raw emotions in an argument. Admittedly, arguing with me can be like a firecracker: intense, explosive and loud.
Here are some of the ways I am practicing appropriately expressing my anger:
- Saying “I’m angry.”
- Saying “I need time to process alone”
- Temporarily leaving the room or building (after making a statement)
- Arranging time to follow up with a conversation to discuss the issue
The ways I practice appropriately managing my anger alone:
- Hugging myself
- Inhaling deeply and exhaling loudly
- Screaming into a pillow
- Writing down all the bad, mean things I think, then burning them in a ceramic bowl
- Walking in nature while focusing on my breathing
- Thinking about what I want to say or writing it down
In Dr. Joy Harden Bradford’s Therapy for Black Girls podcast guest speaker shared about buying bags of ice to hammer in the bathtub (Session 164: Do Relationships Have to Be Hard Work? featuring Dr. Lexx Brown-James). Mr. Rodgers talked about punching clay and palming the keys of a piano at the same time as ways to appropriately express anger.
What are some ways you have learned to manage your emotions and express them appropriately?
Dr. Lina Richardson, Melissa A. Rowe, MEd, Ivori Campbell, Erin King, Dr John Rose, Saeediarthompson
